Abstentia
by kongosoha
Summary: One-shot. A glimpse into Kagome's life and thoughts during the three year separation.


**Second Day**

Kagome felt a tingle down her spine as she approached the well house.

It'd been a day since she got back home, a day since Inuyasha had disappeared in a flash of blue light right before her eyes. The girl had felt a strong urge to jump back after him, but she'd been overwhelmed by her own relief to see her family again.

In spite of feeling uneasy with his brutal disappearance and the look on his face, Kagome had decided to give her family the reassurance they needed before trying the well again. After spending a day basking in their company and telling them everything she could about the end of her adventure, she thought she was ready to go back to the Feudal Era to check on everyone.

The air was sultry inside the well house, and Kagome felt cold sweat drenching the back of her blouse. The girl was confronted by two different feelings: wanting to see her friends again and afraid to be stuck in the past like the last time.

 _Don't be silly, you've done this a million times_ , she told herself as she straightened her shoulders and approached the well.

She touched the wood slowly, almost reverently, before looking down.

Like it had happened after Inuyasha was sucked back in, she didn't see the sky on the other side. There was no blue magic light to welcome her either.

 _What's happening?_

A sense of dread settled in the pit of her stomach. Instead of eagerly jumping inside the construction like she always did, Kagome used the stairs to get to the bottom of the well.

Her feet met the earth and nothing more. The girl gave a series of small jumps, feeling slightly desperate and silly at the same time.

Kagome kneeled and called Inuyasha's name to the soft ground, even though she knew her voice wouldn't reach him.

"Kagome, what's happening? Why are you screaming?" Her mother asked as she entered the building.

 _Screaming?_

Kagome looked down at her own hands and realized they were covered in dirt. When had she started digging the ground?

She slowly got up and looked at her mother's face.

"I can't go back, mama!"

* * *

 **Fifteenth Day**

Kagome brushed her hair quickly and grabbed her books. She couldn't afford to be late again—High School was already difficult enough without her making it worse. She entered the kitchen and gave her mother a good morning kiss.

"Did you sleep well, Kagome?" Mrs. Higurashi asked offhandedly as she made some tea.

Kagome swallowed, feeling a familiar weight in her chest. Her mother tried to act nonchalant about it, but she knew Kagome had nightmares almost every night.

"Do you need any help, mama?" The girl asked with forced cheerfulness, avoiding the question altogether. _Get a hold of yourself_ , Kagome thought. She didn't want to worry her family more than she already had.

During that first week since her return through the well, she'd woken up screaming almost every night. Her mother always went to her bedroom when the fit started, but the girl always reassured her that she was fine. Mrs. Higurashi needed her sleep, and Kagome needed to get used to being a survivor.

The girl had terrible dreams: some of them were about things that had actually happened, but others were fruit of her exhausted mind. The fact that she couldn't see Inuyasha only made her more anxious.

 _It will all work out eventually_ , she thought brightly, resembling her old self. _It's been only fifteen days, after all. I'm grateful for coming home._

The teenager could tell her mother was looking at her with worried eyes again, but she refused to look back as she set the table. _Inuyasha will be so mad when I return_ , she thought.

Kagome didn't want to think about the truth: that her duty was over, that they had no more jewel shards to collect, and that Inuyasha would be happy to see her again, not mad. It was too much to bear.

She missed the boy she loved everyday, but she missed her best friend even more.

* * *

 **One Month**

Kagome laughed at something Eri said as she struggled with the blackboard eraser. Both girls had stayed on cleaning duty after class, and she was very happy about it. _At least I get to go to the same High School as my friends_ , she thought. _It takes my mind off of the Feudal Era a little_.

 _Is it really that_ , a small voice asked at the back of her mind, _or is it that they actually remind you of that time?_ Kagome did her best to dismiss it. Eri's cheerful talk became just a distant sound as she watched the white dust float from her hands to the ground.

 _Does anyone clean this after class at all?_ , she mused, feeling a little exasperated. It didn't matter how much she banged the eraser against the blackboard wooden frame, the dust seemed glued to it.

"Kagome?" Eri asked worriedly. "I think it's fine already."

She looked at the object with annoyance, then at her friend who'd been sweeping the floor. _It's still not the best I can do._ To Eri's benefit, though, she shrugged and gave a quiet laugh.

Her friends had been very mature about her ordeal. In spite of having seen her family screaming desperately at the ground in the well house, they never said a word about it. There seemed to be a silent agreement between them to wait until Kagome approached them for herself, which was so unlike the trio that the girl felt tears prickle her eyes.

 _They grew up so much_ , Kagome contemplated in awe. _But I guess I have too…_

"Ew," Eri shrieked, scaring her out of her musings. "This classroom's really filthy! There's a spider over there!". Sure enough, when Kagome looked at the direction of Eri's pointing finger, she saw a black, tiny spider lazily walking in the white dust on the floor.

Kagome screamed.

She ran to the other end of the room and covered her face with her hands. The girl had goosebumps on her arms, her feet were sweating and she felt slightly dizzy. _At least you didn't keep screaming_ , Kagome congratulated herself.

She heard a thud when Eri stomped on the spider. The sound was strangely comforting.

Kagome uncovered her face and met her friend's astonished look, feeling suddenly stupid. "I don't like spiders," she blurted.

After a few seconds of shock, Eri gave her a reassuring smile and laughed a little.

Kagome felt a hysterical giggle bubbling up her throat when she spotted the squashed spider. She coffed to suppress it.

* * *

 **Half a Year**

Kagome brushed her hair quickly and grabbed her books. She couldn't afford to be late again—High School was already difficult enough…

She started crying.

Sitting at the floor with her back against the bed, the teenager brought her knees to her chest, embraced her legs and buried her face in them. _I just need a moment. I'll be fine_ , Kagome reassured herself, even as more hot tears fell from her eyes. It didn't look like they'd stop anytime soon.

 _I'm doing my best, I really am_ , she thought frantically. _I was so happy to finally be home, but it's not enough!_

The girl had once thought she didn't belong in the past, but that notion had been erased from her mind when she'd managed to lift the sacred longbow of Mount Azusa. Kagome had finally recognized the truth for what it was: she was unique, she was needed, and she'd found her place.

It hadn't lasted, though. Up until this point, Kagome had been just sad.

Now, the sheer injustice of it all hit her full force. Feeling angry, she cried like she never had before, sinking her fingernails in her crossed forearms. It was hard to breathe, her head hurt and she felt like throwing up - even though she hadn't eaten anything yet.

 _Why?_ , it was a question, an accusation and a plea all at once. Inuyasha had been capable of finding her inside the jewel, she'd heard his voice through darkness itself ( _I would hear it anywhere!_ ). Finally, blissfully, he had arrived, and she'd been able to make the one correct wish.

In the end, it had been Kagome: she had won against Naraku, against the jewel and against all odds.

 _I deserved to be happy, to be with my friends. I couldn't even say goodbye!_

 _After victory, tighten your helmet strap_ , grandpa Higurashi always said. Kagome should have been prepared for something to go wrong, but she'd been so happy to see her family again…

When she remembered the look on Inuyasha's face as the well sucked him in, her crying became hysterical.

 _After everything you've been through, Inuyasha, you deserved to be happy. You still do._

How clearly she could see that Inuyasha loved her now. It felt like she was a woman looking back at the events of her childhood, when she couldn't possibly have known better, couldn't have been anything other than what she'd been: a girl.

 _But was he just a boy?_

A boy would yell at her for walking too slow, but only a man would offer his back to carry her all day. A boy would call her stupid for getting in his way during a battle, but only a man would shield her with his own body. A boy would send her back home with juvenile words, but only a man would have the guts to go fetch her back.

He was half a boy and half a man.

Thanks to him, she was only a half now, too.

* * *

 **One Year**

Kagome's arrow hit the target again. Her friends cheered, congratulating the girl on her excellent skills.

The archery club was the only thing she truly enjoyed those days, even though she went to WacDonalds and the movies sometimes.

Kagome knew what was wrong with her, but she also knew nobody could help her. None of them could possibly understand how trapped she felt: too mature to be an unconcerned teenager, but too young to act like she was anything else.

She caught herself almost calling Ayumi "Sango" a couple of times. She couldn't stand looking at her cat for too long, and her grandfather's stories, which had been boring before, were unbearable now.

When Kagome arrived home that day, she gave the well a half-hearted attempt (she hadn't done it for some time). Before, the emotional pain of hitting the ground would almost bring her to her knees; now, it only served to make her a little more numbed.

She never told her mother when she tried to cross to the other side - she really didn't need to. The girl knew it was probably written all over her face when she passed through the kitchen door.

Kagome spotted her grandfather's ofuda on the table and something snapped inside of her. The girl wanted to rip it to shreds. It was such a violent, cold and foreign urge that she was shocked for a few seconds.

"What is it, dear?" Her mother asked.

"Nothing, mama! I'm just really tired," she said smiling.

"Are you sure, sweetie? You look a little pale," Mrs. Higurashi said. "Maybe you should take a nap while I finish making dinner."

The girl still dreamed of her friends from the past sometimes, though the dreams had been lessening lately. Kagome was grateful to see their faces, even if they weren't real, even if the dream turned into a nightmare; it meant she hadn't forgotten how they looked like.

It was silly, but this was a genuine concern of hers. She wanted to remember everything, even if it felt lonely to be the only one carrying those memories at this side of the well.

That night, Kagome dreamed she was in a hot spring with Sango. She talked to her friend about school, about her family, her grades and how much she missed them all. When Miroku appeared at the shore and asked the two women how long they intended to stay there, Kagome suspected she might be dreaming. When Sango only rolled her eyes and told him to stop bothering her and "go watch the babies", she was sure of it.

Suddenly, she wasn't with them anymore. It was daytime, the girl was wearing her old school uniform and sitting at the side of the well. The sky was cloudless and blue. Inuyasha emerged from the tree line, his red robe and white hair contrasting sharply with the greenery of the landscape.

He stopped right in front of her, saying nothing. They regarded each other for a long time, golden and brown, until Kagome thought the silence wasn't comfortable anymore.

"You're not usually so quiet, Inuyasha!" She said, giving him a small smile. She felt a lump in her throat and butterflies in her stomach—but their wings were too sharp, too hurtful.

"I miss you," he blurted, his cheeks coloring. In spite of that, he didn't avert his gaze, smile or frown. He just stood there, unshakable and unyielding, demanding all her attention.

 _Oh God, why is this so painful?_ , Kagome thought. _Couldn't he just have called me stupid and said he'd talk if he wanted to? Can't he act like a boy?_

 _I need him to be just a boy right now, the way I remember him. Please!_

It was unbearable to see the man she couldn't reach.

Before Kagome could say anything, she was woken by her mother's voice.

* * *

 **One Year and a Half**

She was standing in the shade of Goshinboku. Kagome jumped over the small fence to touch the tree bark tenderly.

The sun was setting and no one was home yet, which meant she still had some time to be introspective without worrying her mother.

She'd dreamed about Kikyo the night before. They'd been both inside the Shikon no Tama, just like it had truly happened to her, but the jewel wasn't saying anything.

"Don't worry, it won't speak anymore," Kikyo had told her gently, as if reading her thoughts. "It's gone. You made it disappear."

 _It's gone, but it cost me so much!_ , Kagome pondered. _I'm grateful that I came back to my family, and school was always important to me, but I didn't know it'd feel like this._

 _Like drowning._

She was still caressing the tree, feeling it's crevices with her fingers and pretending she was touching it in another time.

 _Goshinboku_ , Kagome prayed, _Please, let me see Inuyasha again! I wish I could go right now, but I'll be happy whenever you decide to let me._

 _Grandpa says that if you love someone, your heart will be satisfied and you will never be sad, but I can't settle with that._

 _I might have before, but not now. Not when I know he loves me too._

Without realizing it, Kagome had applied more pressure in her wandering fingertips. They were red and hurting, and she had a splinter in her right index finger.

 _Goshinboku, don't forget me!_

* * *

 **Two Years**

"This cultural festival will be the best one ever!" Eri said enthusiastically as they walked home.

"You bet!" Kagome agreed. "I didn't really like the one we had last year…"

"You still don't feel like acting on the play, Kagome?" Ayumi asked. "You were a success when you did it in middle school!"

"Stop, Ayumi!" Yuka reprimanded. Kagome knew the words she didn't say: you'll make her think of her ex-boyfriend.

Well, it wasn't a lie.

There were no demons to chase at the cultural festival last year, and the girl had surprisingly missed that ordeal.

"Let's buy some ice cream before we head home," Yuka suggested.

The girls started talking about where they'd be possibly attending college in a year. In spite of having decided to go on with her life as best she could, Kagome wasn't interested in that next step.

 _Why am I not worried at all about this?_

 _You still have a year to think about what you want_ , her mother had reassured her once.

 _She doesn't understand it. I just wanna stay at the shrine._

Kagome had gotten better at hiding her sadness by filling her days with as many activities as possible. She still missed her friends from the past and thought about them every single day, but she'd learned to live with it. It was a bittersweet pain, a fond memory instead of a consuming one.

If she stayed at the shrine all day, she'd have a lot of free time to be miserable.

Kagome didn't want to go back to how she'd been that first year, with all the crying and insomnia. At that time, the girl would say her friends' names out loud just for the sake of hearing them, missing how they sounded in her mouth.

 _You better do something with your life, Kagome Higurashi!_

"What about you, Kagome? What will you do when High School's over?", Eri asked.

Three pairs of eyes locked on her expectantly.

"Well, I think I'll just help grandpa with the shrine for a little while," she said. "It is the family business, after all!"

"Like a shrine maiden?" Yuka asked.

"I never knew you wanted that, Kagome!" Ayumi said, sounding surprised.

"She's right, though, it is her family business," Eri offered. "Besides, it doesn't have to be something permanent. Maybe she'll even get interested in History after working for her grandfather for some time! Right, Kagome?"

"Maybe you're right, Eri," she replied.

Deep down, though, she knew she wasn't going to college.

 _Why's that?_

* * *

 **Two Years and a Half**

Kagome had been studying in her bedroom when Sota suddenly opened the door.

"Can't you knock, Sota?" She huffed.

"Sorry," the boy replied, not sounding sorry at all. "I need to talk."

Sensing the subject was serious, Kagome fully turned around to look at her little brother. His nervous hands were picking at the hem of his shirt.

"Some bullies are bothering Hitomi at school and I think I should do something about it," he said quickly.

"What?" Kagome frowned. "You don't mean to start a fight, do you?"

"I hope it doesn't come to that," Sota sighed. "I mean just to talk to them. They're two years older than we are."

Kagome got up from her chair with an indignant expression.

"They think they're so tough for picking at the younger children, do they?" She asked rhetorically. "Well, we're telling mama right now! She can go to the principal."

"No, it'll only make things worse!" The boy reasoned as he stepped closer.

"But guys like these don't listen, Sota! They'll hurt you!" Kagome said.

"I still have to try."

"Then I'll go with you," she decided. "I can stay a few feet away so they don't know I'm there."

"But what can you really do if they decide to punch me or something?"

"You're my little brother!" The girl replied exasperatedly. "I can protect you if you need me to. I did it before, remember?"

 _Shut up and let me protect you._

Both siblings regarded each other for a silent moment. The eldest was thinking about a man she couldn't reach anymore, and the youngest about a childhood hero whom he had lost.

"You won't be always there when I have a problem, you know?" Sota remarked quietly.

Kagome felt a twinge of pain she couldn't quite understand.

 _When did you grow up, Sota? Was it when I wasn't home?_

"Then why did you tell me?" Kagome asked, feeling strangely cheated.

The boy looked at her as if the answer was obvious.

"Because you're my big sister," he shrugged. "And I think you're really brave."

Remembering another little boy that must've been growing, she felt her chest tighten.

* * *

 **Three Years**

"Kagome!" Yuka called from behind her.

"Ah!", Kagome exclaimed as she turned around, smiling at her approaching friends.

"Hello, Mrs. Higurashi!" Yuka said.

"Congratulations on graduating!" The woman greeted. All three girls held their certificates close to their chests.

"Everyone got accepted into college!" Kagome told her mother.

"My, that's wonderful!"

"I want to be an anchorwoman" Ayumi said.

"I want to be an announcer" Yuka said.

"Then you need to become miss campus first!" Eri meddled.

Kagome smiled softly at her enthusiastic friends, albeit a little sadly. It was her graduation day and she wanted to feel happy and proud of herself, but still…

 _It's been three years_ , she thought, looking up at the blue sky. _The well hasn't worked since…_

As she walked home with her mother, grandfather and brother, Kagome considered her future gloomily.

 _I can't see Inuyasha anymore._

While her mother prepared lunch, the girl went upstairs and changed out of her school uniform for the last time. She was an adult now.

* * *

 _Did the well stop working because of my feelings?_ , Kagome asked herself as she stood in front of it. _When the well disappeared and I was left stranded in the darkness, I was so scared and sad. I didn't realize I'd been in the darkness for three whole days. I made mom, grandpa and Sota feel as scared and sad as I was. I felt really bad about that, and I was so happy to make it back here._

Kagome's eyes prickled with familiar tears.

 _Then, the well closed. I've been thinking about Inuyasha this whole time._

The woman thought about the shattered jewel, about the very reason she'd been taken to the Feudal Era.

 _My job is done, and I'll spend the rest of my life in my own world. A world without you._

Kagome didn't expect the god tree would help her anymore.

She touched the wood lovingly, almost reverently, the same way she had on that distant day.

 _But, Inuyasha… I want to see you._

Kagome's eyes snapped open in shock. After three years of still air, she felt the most wonderful thing coming out of the well, playing with her bangs, entering her aching lungs.

Wind.

* * *

 **A/N:** "Abstentia" means "distance" in Latin.


End file.
